What Is Inside my Head Right Now

Friday, October 18, 2013

I'm going to "lay it out there" and be somewhat personal which I'm not very fond of doing on my PUBLIC blog. Last year was probably one of the greatest years of my life. I joined a band which I've wanted to do my entire life, my threw myself into school, joined two clubs and met a ton of interesting people. My skin was clearing up, I was losing weight with running, I felt great and confident. Then the summer started to end and so did my confidence. I was having qualms about my personal relationships, I was having a stressful time with my family, applying to college and contemplating the future was (cliche but...) freaking me out! It ended with me dealing with the fact that I was rejected by my first choice school and even though still in the same state, I was moving away from my daughter (NOT AN EASY THING TO DO). I moved into a new town that kind of sucks into a way to expensive studio apartment and started school. 

Even though my school has a good program for what I'm studying, it also has a 75% acceptance rate and being rejected by the school I wanted to get into that was more distinguished, I felt like I had accomplished nothing. I was having a hard time trying to find people to have an educated intelligent discussion with. I wasn't meeting anyone I found interesting and the more my confidence started to fall, the harder it was to put myself out there. Little by little, blows that wouldn't be that important to me a year ago, really started taking a hit in me now. 

I knew my depression was always there but I had done SO WELL the year before, I kind of thought I could do anything. It took a visit to San Diego to see my daughter and the day before I had to leave, I couldn't stop crying cause I wanted nothing more than to quit school and stay with Lillee cause I didn't want to go back to what I saw as a shitty college experience. 

But here I am saying...


Yeah life isn't great right now but I've always believed deeply in the phrase "life is what you make of it." Because of the slow decline of what I see as my mood, I've lost sight of who I am. This doesn't mean I'm going to jump right out there and walk up to every person I see but I'm going to do my best to get back on track to what I feel I need to be happy. And Its going to start with little changes. 

  1. My diet - I've been eating alot of crap lately and I'm sorry for those who think this is a load of shit but shitty food can put you in a shitty mood. I have no energy, I'm breaking out more and I'm losing confidence in my physique. So I'm starting a raw food cleanse for 10 days to get back into flow. Hopefully this detox will be the first step to adjusting my overall mood. 
  2. My Body - Does this mean I plan to become skeleton skinny? NO. It means that I'm going to take steps to treating my body the way it deserves. The first step was the cleanse and what I put into my body. The next step is to begin exercising in ways that make me happy (running, yoga) and also to start treating my body but engaging in certain activities (don't get dirty thoughts) like massage or acupuncture. Even though I don't think these things are the kind of treatments that can cure cancer, they are extremely beneficial to the mind and body overall. 
  3. My Mind - One of the biggest changes that happened last year was that I admitted I was depressed and I needed help. This meant asking my parents to help me with school, taking to somebody about what I was feeling on a daily basis and accepting the fact that asking for help didn't make me weak but helped make me stronger. I've stopped asking for help and I know its what I need again. 
I'm not expecting my life to be sunshine and rainbows instantly but how things have been going was kind of a slap in the face with my inner spirit saying "Hey Aleisha, you use to be so much cooler than this! What happened?" 

I'm writing this post to tell those that the struggle with depression is not easy and it will never go away but its okay to be honest with yourself and with others. Just because I'm struggling now does not make me a weak person. I haven't quit school and I will not quit school and I will make friends and be in a band again (as I haven't had time for my previous one) and I will do it all not just to show my daughter how strong I am but to prove to myself that I am a beautiful human being who is worth every amount of effort for happiness. 

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